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Saturday, February 18, 2006

I need a hug...

I would like to apologize in advance. This post is gonna be whiny, so if you are a happy person with both feet steady on the ground and no regrets, come back tomorrow!

I am alone at home on a Saturday evening. There are places I could go, people I could see, but somehow I just can´t pull myself up to do anything today.
This is the last week in my own home. By next weekend I will be moving back to Mom and Dad and officially accept defeat. A relationship has beaten me.
Where did it all go wrong? And although I am broken, the earth continues to move, the sun is still rising-well, not exactly here, but I did check the weather around the world and it is somewhere out there- and people are just going about their business.

For the last few weeks I have been patiently waiting for something to happen to me. Some click that would make me wake up and signify a bad dream. It is not. My books are packed, my clothes are being washed and the apartment is looking less and less homey. We have to empty the place and clean it. Boy, how is that gonna work? The Ex and I doing something together. I see a war-zone in the near future, somebody please alert security. Then we have to hand over the keys and that will be it. I am gonna lock the door to this part of my life and everything in it.

Now that I am sitting here I am wondering what it is that is upsetting me. What am I gonna miss from this sequence in my life? I can´t put a finger on it. Was the last year just a blurr with no particular meaning? Did I do anything worthwhile? It is hard to wake up one day and realize that you have been numb for quite a while.

It is time for a change, I am just not sure I am heading in the right direction. Somebody did forget to give me "The Manual to Monika´s Life" at birth, and that was a catastophical oversight.
I have lost so much in the last few months, my plans for the future, my best girlfriend and my home.
What am I left with?
Everything and Nothing, I guess. I have the opportuniy to do anything I want, yet I lack a pursuit, a goal and a guiding hand. I don´t know what it is that I am looking for. But I guess I have the rest of my life to figure it out.

But I have learned something. I am not leaving empty handed. You can not change a person to your liking. If it is not a fit from the start, it never will be, regardless how hard you try. I should have known from the day I had to walk home alone in the pouring rain, ditched for a game. He should have known the first time I turned away and chose seclusion over his words.

We all make mistakes, we all are human! I would just like them to be less hurtful;)

I´ll be less "drowning in my sorrow" tomorrow, because the weatherman just announced a little bit of sunshine!

Posted by Minka :: 7:12 pm :: 37 Royal Subjects

Link to this Royal Decree!

37 Comments:

At 20:42, Blogger Biene said...

Look forward to see you tomorrow!! You need a hand to lead you?? Dear Monika just come! I know the exactly right road for you...
mom

 
At 21:42, Blogger Tim Rice said...

Monika, I don't know that I can say much. But my thoughts and prayers will be with you as you go through these difficult times. Sometimes life just hurts; then we all need to bear one another's burdens.

 
At 23:39, Blogger Dan said...

Cheers Monika. We all go through heartbreak and heartache. We heal, we go on. It's all an adventure.

 
At 01:22, Blogger Jenna Howard said...

I like what the guys wrote so I'll just keep my mouth shut and send ya a cyber hug instead.

 
At 01:44, Blogger ...just-rambling... said...

[hugs}

Yep, I've been there, done that. Even moved back home with mom and dad too, who treated me like a teenager instead of an adult. but, beleive it or not, the hurting stage won't last long (although it feels like an eternity at the time!)and you'll find yourself in an even better situation eventually and you will be an even better person!

 
At 03:09, Blogger Omnipotent Poobah said...

Monika,
Sorry to hear the story, but you aren't alone with it. The road to life is paved with such events.

Go home to Mom and Dad. Soak up a little Mom & Pop love and refresh yourself to start again.

You are, after all, the Ice Queen and that is what Queens do.

 
At 03:56, Blogger Tom & Icy said...

Sorry about all that, we know it so well. We just have to learn as we go. There isn't a manual for our life. Only those written after things happen, like memoirs.

 
At 04:45, Blogger Sar said...

If it's any consolation, I think you have the right perspective by considering this to be a chapter you're closing in your life. If you look back, you've suffered through your share trying chapters only to come out stronger and more capable in the end, and one day this will be merely one more.

I know how much it must hurt to lose what was your sense of day-to-day reality. But you have an amazing mom and family there in Iceland to give you the hugs and positive support we, your collective blog family, are wishing, but limited to typing to you.

*Lots of love and an abundance of warm caring hugs* to my sweet sistah who will make a wonderful wife and terrific mother once the right man discovers just how very lucky he is.

 
At 06:28, Anonymous logo said...

Oh honey, I WISH they handed out manuals, but I didn't get one either.
As lame as it may be, I offer you now lyrics, from Alanis Morrissette
-----
I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
--------
You are not diminished,
you are more.
You know more, about life, about love, about yourself.
You are wonderful, Ms. Ice Queen, please remember that at all time.

 
At 07:43, Blogger Minka said...

I juts woke up and am on my way to work. I already feel lots better this morning, a new day....
But thank you guys! That was like a giant warm hug and exactly what I needed! Later I will answer you each in your own right. But Thank you so much for putting a smile on my face at this ungoudly hour!:)

 
At 09:03, Blogger AsianSmiles said...

Hello Monika,

Here's my warmest hug >:D<

i bring you some joy too :) you're still among the prettiest, smartest, wittiest and nicest blogger in my list! don't let the past bother you for long, good thing is that you've gone through it without a wrinkle on your face.

*winks* love ya.

 
At 09:26, Anonymous pia said...

Wish that I had something to say that hasn't been said

Oh I do. You're not accepting defeat--please don't ever look at it that way.

You're getting out of a bad situation and beginning to make a new life for yourself

Even if you will living with your parents for awhile--it's not going back in time because you're not the same person you were

 
At 13:33, Blogger Doug said...

I wish I'd thought of what Icy said. That dog's a genius.

You are Monika, that's something to feel good about.

 
At 16:29, Blogger Minka said...

Bugger I just wrote a long answer to everybody and my computer went offline. Ain´t that just a treat!

Mom, wouldn´t you just love to be the guiding hand? :) Straight into university my path would lead...

Tim, Thank you so much. It is nice to have people out there that are willing to raise you up a little. And although I am not a firm believer, I do appreciate teh sentiment so much!

Dan, Some days are worse, some better. yesterday sucked, today is almost wonderful :)

Jenna, cyber hugs right back at ye! I am glad theya re that plentiful around teh WWW:)

Just-rambling, yes this is juts tough at the moment. In a little while I will wake up and thank God for going through this and not continue on a trail that was doomed to unhappiness.

 
At 16:36, Blogger Minka said...

OPP...no worries. I will rise againa dn rule my kingdom with pride and dignity, I just have to find my crown first ;)

Tom&Icy, Wow, now that is well said. We all learn from our mistakes, but we have to make them first to learn about them later. And we all have to make our own. People told me from teh start this is not gonna work, right they were, but i wasn´t having any of it at the time. I had to make the mistake to realize what to avoid next time.

Sar, ther eis little that I can say but Thank you so much! I have learne dsomething and the next time, I will be choosing. I won´t be picked anymore...

Logo, how appropriate! I will scream and every day I will live and every tomorrow I will have learned something. I won´t be beaten, I´ll be kicking right back :)

asiansmile, one of these days I am gonna lift my wrinkle-free chin and scan my surroundings and I will see what and whom I want.

Pia, now who hit the nail on the head. If you learn from your mistakes, you will never be the same person, so regardless of which direction you take...it will always be a new point of view. Thank you for pointing that out.

Doug,yes I like me, very much...just sometimes it would be nice to find teh other somebody that feels the same way :) But not to worry, he is out there and I am gonna find him!

 
At 17:07, Blogger actonbell said...

I hope you're having a great sunny day! And you do have the right perspective--this is just a chapter, and there are great times ahead for you:)

 
At 17:24, Blogger Doug said...

Somebody or somebodies, Minka. I think you're too young to rule out polyandry entirely.

 
At 20:55, Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

Wow! So many beautiful words already!! So much has been said that I am afraid that I would sound like a broken record...

Well, so I shall make it a personal note... I am honored to know of so much of what you have lived through that I KNOW you are a survivor. Your sweet friendship, few emails that we have shared, have in their scarcity had a huge impact on my life... so I can only imagine what an influence you are to those who have the good fortune to be around you, to know you, to interact with you.

I am sorry you are going through a "down moment" of life. But hey, the only other place to go now is up and if anyone can do it, it is you!

I love you dear Monika!

 
At 22:17, Blogger Minka said...

actonbell, The day was indeed sunny. I am back at the countryside, focusing on other things besides me;) Mom needed a hug as well, and she was here!

Doug, I am not even gonna pretend I got that! I think you were somehow playing on polygamy, but what is with Minka? Sometimes you just have to elaborate:)

Miz Bohemia, I know sweety, I love you too... so much and one day when we´ll meet we hug it out!!! I am looking so forward to that!

 
At 01:15, Blogger Thomas said...

I am taking the bar exam in two days. A little bit woe is me.

 
At 03:54, Blogger Johnboy said...

It is hard to give such short answers to complicated and emotional times. O.k.- for what it's worth... I felt it comforting and fitting that the first post was biene! Based on reading All of your posts that is the hand that I would reach and grab onto again. It has quided you well (that has been proven) don't look at returning as failure - how many trully have that option these days?
Trust in yourself Monica, and finish your paper. I never read where you stated that you had finished it, if not, it seems that possibly that is just one more thing holding you back. I too did something similar and was told it was a way of holding on. Not willing to commit to my future and not willing to let go of the past. It has been said that our pain is what trully defines us. It sets our perameters for what we love and hate, respect or hold in disfavor. It defines clearly what we are willing to accept from ourselves and from others. You are not defined by a relationship with a boyfriend or an apartment - You are defined by Monica... period. You have everything you need right there... right in front of you. So take another hug from this stranger from across that big swimming pool and we will talk again soon!

 
At 15:01, Blogger Doug said...

Monika, Polyandry is marriage to more than one man. Minka is Monika through cold fingers.

 
At 18:50, Blogger Jodes said...

Awwh Monika, I hope that you get out of your funk. Maybe you need to do something you have never done before or visit a place you have never been and start fresh. I hope whatever you do, it all works out.

 
At 19:09, Blogger ariel said...

it's not easy to be married with one man even, what fun can be in being married to more???

Monika, what about listening to Jethro Tull all night, dancing, crying, discussing men, hopeless relatinships and life in general, and go to watch the sunrise then? trying to make it easier to you. Minka is a lovely name, anyway.

 
At 20:59, Blogger dddragon said...

So sorry to hear that things have gone wrong, and I hope that things go better very soon! {{hugs!}}

And a manual sounds like a good idea. I could've used one when I was in college!

 
At 22:44, Blogger AP3 said...

{{{Monika}}}

Breaking up is hard to do. It's never fun, but a part of almost everyone's life.

We'll be thinking of you. Hang in there.

 
At 22:49, Blogger Sar said...

Warning: Sappy Comment Ahead

Monika - I took my 7 yo and her friend to see Nanny McPhee this afternoon. It stars Colin Firth, so right away that brought you to mind. In a fairly predictable (but still magical and enjoyable) Cinderella-esq ending, the naturally pretty young maid (who is so loving with the children) appears all dolled up looking even more beautiful. The children claim they don't recognize her but Colin Firth says she's always looked like that. When he said that, I actually teared up thinking of you. I just know there's a Colin Firth out there who will appreciate you for your natural beauty both inside and out.

*hugs*

 
At 00:29, Blogger Minka said...

Johnboy, somehow I always knew that you would come through. It was a lovely, long and wise comment and it touched me.

Jodes, thank you darlin'. Due to many family emergencies over the last couple of days-which explains my anscence from this blogspere- I have some to realize that this is peanuts. A gard shell, but eventually I will be left with a lovely taste. One thiing is my life is not working out right now, but all the other thousand things do. I am healthy, pretty and smart. Those are good goods for a happy life. Wouldn´t you say?!

Ariel, I did just that. And I loved it, especially since I had all my people around me talking me up! And than I have you guys, reminding me that yeah, it is tough, but life goes on! I am warming up to Minka :)

3D+AP3, it is alowed to adress siters together, isn´t it? Thank you for those hugs, your mom probably need some of them too at the moment, so I count myself lucky to recieve those!

Sar, I love Colin Firth, but I love you even more for thinking of me and telling me this and I am very happy I occupy your mind. It is a nice place to be!

Thank you guys all so very much for this much needed encouragement. You are just great. All of you! I needed it, but a new day has started and I am back.

I don´t have time to check your blogs tonight...´cause I have my driver-test tomorrow (the written exam) and I should open the book and look at those traffic signs a little. Well, I might dare a peek at one or two blogs on my way to the books :)
Everybody wish me GOOd LUCK!

 
At 00:43, Blogger Doug said...

How's your parking on the written exam?

 
At 01:27, Blogger Johnboy said...

With a deep breath and a smile that now graces my face again welcome lady and blog on !!
:)

 
At 01:47, Blogger karma said...

awww honey don't you know everything happens for the best? this too, you will overcome!

lots and lots of hugs and kisses

 
At 12:50, Blogger Minka said...

Doug, I am not gonna lie to you: it is not pretty! In about an hour I will be taking the written exam...bugger I really hsould look at them signs again!

Karma, this too shall pass!

 
At 14:22, Blogger cube said...

The wisest piece of advice I ever heard was, "This too shall pass."

Time has a way of giving you a perspective you can't possibly see right now.

 
At 15:03, Blogger Sar said...

Further implanting you in my thoughts, Monika, I'll be thinking of you and sending positive driver's test vibes your way too!

 
At 15:08, Blogger Sar said...

Hmm, seems you've probably already taken your exam. Positive vibes still coming at you though.

Seems this "I need a hug" post has turned into an ongoing message board of positivity. That's cool.

 
At 03:49, Blogger SquareGirl said...

Monika,
I'm glad to hear you are feeling better, but I am sending you a big hug anyway. Being slightly older, but certainly not wiser, I will refrain from sharing my own advice, but I will share something with you form someone you are familiar with...

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
J. Campbell

I look forward to reading about the life you have waiting for you...

From what I've read thus far, you sound quite loved. Take good care of yourself...

SquareGirl

 
At 23:50, Blogger mireille said...

It isn't defeat when you got out with your soul intact. ♥ xoxo

 

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